I know that some of you, being attracted to the title of this page, have coyly opened it up and discreetly glanced over your shoulder to insure that you have not been incriminated with this “dishonorable” material. If you have done just that, shame on you! Because you, like many others, are adding to the silence surrounding sex. It is precisely this silence that threatens meaningful and progressive discussion regarding human sexuality; I aim to shatter that silence entirely. There is nothing more honorable to me than acknowledging the natural importance and insatiable potential for liberation that sex offers. In fact, this discussion is not had often enough. As a woman who advocates strongly for human freedoms; I encourage you to shed the guilt or shame you have surrounding the topic of sex, and move towards a divine sexual relationship with yourself and others that is accepting, honest, and fulfilling. A balanced sexual relationship is not simply limited to being aware of what you like and love; its learning how to say what you want, exactly how you want it, when. Besides, everyone knows how boring silent sex can be. So let’s talk dirty…
For those cynical readers who are asking themselves how communication could ever possibly be relevant to an experience as physical as sex, allow me to explain. Communication allows you to learn to effectively convey what you crave and understand your partner’s desires, to further explore each other. Additionally, when used correctly, words can conjure powerful emotions; descriptive language can stimulate the imagination, and the “right” provocative words have a way of crawling under your skin and allowing your corresponding movements to echo deeper. For many women, sexual arousal is a somewhat extensive process, and learning to use erotic language to stimulate your partner can be very, well, rewarding (if done properly, of course). *
As eager as you are, the first step of learning to effectively arouse someone with words begins with first identifying your own lascivious desires and innermost fantasies. In essence, this requires that you delve into your subconscious (if you haven’t already) to decipher what it is that you crave. Of course, this process of revelation will be different for everybody, but some suggestions include watching sexually arousing films, reading erotic material, meditation, discussion- whatever it takes for you to identify and accept what you fancy.
Magazines everywhere are filled with descriptions of how men would like to be pleased, and let me tell you, it’s getting old. (Correction: it is old.) Now, I would like to turn the attention to what women really want because even the most conservative heterosexual women’s ears peak in the direction of those words. Besides, I think we deserve it.
Contrasting men who are usually aroused with direct and explicit language, women need to be verbally aroused in a way that appeals more to the imagination.** First, talk with your partner and find out if she already knows what turns her on. If so, exchange fantasies and make sure to appeal to those cues when you’re talking dirty later. In the case that your partner is unaware of what kind of language they find arousing, play a game. Blind fold her and slowly whisper naughty phrases in her ear with styles ranging from primal, sensual, aggressive etc. Experiment with different imagery, perhaps appealing to a particular fantasy she holds; then, gage her response. As much fun as this experiment undoubtedly is, you have to appreciate, however, that this is an art and practice and patience is required.
Please don’t assume I’ve forgotten about my spectacular singles. If you aren’t in the position to experiment with erotic vocabulary as I’ve suggested above- relax, obviously I’ve thought of you too. Just remember the golden rule when it comes to talking dirty: everything sounds sexier when spoken slowly. Moreover, I always advise that when using naughty words, you do so with a smile upon your face to lend an air of deviousness to the sounds that will soon take form between your lips. Besides, it will subconsciously affect those already uncomfortable, and really allow you to indulge and enjoy. But remember: always say it like you mean it, because unless your lady requested unconvincing cheesy comments, it may kill the mood or leave your lady longing for silence again. Confidence and conviction go a long way, especially with women, so drop the shame or shyness if you will success. Also, until you’re in a very comfortable position with your sexual partner (no pun intended), I would advise that you refrain from using any degrading terms such as slut, whore, filthy little bitch etc. Not because I want you to restrict yourself, but because most women will find this deeply unappealing and would like to be sexually honored in a more respectful fashion. Then again, ask her first if she’d like that.
Another way to enhance stimulation when talking dirty is to allow your words to become cohesive with your movements. You want your tongue to twist around those filthy words in the same way you’re twisting and thrusting into her. Feel free to express yourself in the same intuitive way that your body responds when the heat is turned up. Be receptive, be intuitive; even transition from the slow drawn out sentences that characterize the seductive foreplay to the rough, gritty words that expel themselves as you pull her hair and ravage her. Allow the rhythm of your fluid motions to dictate your tone of voice, or synchronize the level of sexual energy with an intensity that will amplify that same passion. Your expressions will be especially well received if the timing is right, so utilize the physical cues you’re all so familiar with to gage the right amount of dirty- but I warn you- she may reveal a relentless sexual nature unknown to you. Never underestimate the mysterious power of a woman, especially a sexually liberated one.
Therein lies a hidden value in taking your time with these words and learning to tease and tempt her until she just can’t restrain herself. Learning how to tantalize your lady to a heightened arousal will promote a lasting sexual experience and a silkier slip on the way in. However, there is also something to be said for impulse and aggression. If your woman is like me, she will value those daring eyes, those strong compelling gestures and the explicit, “I want to fuck you so hard,” just as much as those vivid descriptions of how you want to fuck her so hard, and how good she is going to taste and feel as you whisper in her ear during the warm-up. Alternating your advances, being intuitive, and playing up the level of unpredictability can only make your sex life that much more thrilling.
Realistically speaking these tips will only go so far if you have yet to heighten your awareness, so get familiar with yourself and learn to read your “audience.” Never, ever, be shy about what you want and learn to articulate it without shame. Embody your desires; pursue your sexuality in a dynamic and unrepentant manner. Explore! Excite! Feel every delight in the reverberating sounds that stimulate your tongue as you speak. Indulge in the consequential sensations that resonance beneath your skin; the waves of thrill making their way through your guts, the explosion! Acknowledge your inhibitions and gather your courage. Respect your differing tastes or styles, experiment, but never impose your will upon the unwilling; for, you may have very different fantasies. On the bright side, you’ll never know until you find out, and you’ll never find out unless you ask. So, start talking… dirty, of course.
* I would also like to remind all readers that what I advise or discuss here does not in any way represent all women, or all people. I am simply speaking in broader terms for comprehensive purposes. I do not endorse stereotyping and don’t condemn any sexual preferences, as long as all participating are consenting adults.
** Again, this may not pertain to all women. I do not intend to generalize the desires of men and women. This is simply for practical and time –efficient purposes, but please note that desire is varied on an individual basis rather than a gendered one. However, that may be a topic for another day..