Stop Looking at Me; My War on Winter Clothes

I would never refer to myself as an ‘outdoorsy’ person…

What you see when you look at me coming down the street may be a young woman who has no concept of dressing for an Ottawa winter, but little do you know my outfit is a carefully constructed assault on winds and dampness which is modified for the weather every day. Army shit, man. Remember that cold snap a few weeks ago? Well I have a pair of tights that are lined with fleece, so each of my legs were basically wrapped up in your favourite blanket, toasty warm. Over that I wore a pair of cotton thigh highs that reach up past the end of my coat for full coverage. The thigh highs mixed up the fibre pattern and offset any cold wind trying to get at me. When you’re inside for a long period of time, it is much more appealing to watch a woman roll down her high stockings than attempt the variety of squatting positions required to remove wind guards, or tights from underneath a pair of jeans.

I know you might wish to challenge me on this opinion and I can hear you exclaim, “but Emily, Queen of Seasonal Clothing and the Underworld, how do you know that pants actually aren’t that warm?” (If you don’t already address me as such, I would encourage you to start immediately). I lately fell victim to the unhappy stares of society and decided to wear jeans outside on a very cold day. After bundling per usual, my whole body was double layered save for my calves, which were solely covered by my jeans. Immediately upon exiting my home, the cold attacked my lower legs, and spread throughout the fabric like a demon birthed from a Nicki Minaj lyric. This is my steadfast observation – the fabric of pants traps the cold and spreads it throughout your body regardless of layering because it is a perpetually cold fibre that seeks world domination through making a generation of humans miserably cold and vulnerable. And that’s not all – jeans eat your crotch. Not in a good way, so stop giggling.

And so at the end of this verbose rant I implore you to hold your judgement about my winter wear below the waist, at least until you give it a try, you too guys (just kidding…or am I?) And in return I promise to never write another article about pants. Probably.